Quest for the Gentlewoman

When I wrote this post I fully realized that it would paint me in a less than wonderful light. However, I've always said that I believe in honesty on this blog, and I am serious when I say it's kind of cathartic for me to write about some of the "not-so-pretty" stuff along with the good stuff. I appreciate it (and get a secret surge of joy!) when other moms write about their struggles as wives and mothers because it makes me realize that many of us fail to live up to our expectations of ourselves. However, another thought keeps tugging at me even as I spill my honesty all over the blogosphere. And here it is..........even though I am silently reassured by others' admissions of failure, I still hold out hope that there are some true gentlewomen out there. You know the ones. They never raise their voices; they are unfailingly kind and gentle to everyone; they are thoughtful and faithful, etc., etc., etc. The reason I hope SHE exists is because it gives me a little hope that that gentlewoman might be within my grasp sometime within this human lifetime. Michelle Duggar appears to be a true gentlewoman. I don't often watch their show, but I distinctly remember one episode where her oldest son said that he has never heard his mother raise her voice. I was truly impressed (and chagrined) by that. Unfortunately neither of my sons will ever be able to truthfully utter that statement. And I realize that most people who know me in RL (real life) would not describe me as a gentlewoman. I think I may be getting a LITTLE gentler as the years go by; however, I have a LONG way to go (as evidenced by the unexpected and truly unwelcome appearance of my alter-ego: PB). Anyway, I am just wondering if any of the rest of you have a secret quest for the gentlewoman going on. If so, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

If not for HIS (and his) mercy

I think I've said here before that this blog is kind of cathartic for me. Cheaper than therapy at any rate. I am the type of person who easily and readily shares personal information with others. It's just the way I am. My husband is the complete polar opposite. I don't think either way is "right"; we're just different. Anyway, I wanted to write a little bit about something that happened last night. In a nutshell, the DH (dear husband)and I had a fight, and it was pretty much my fault.

Here is the scenario: it was about 9:15 p.m. and I had gone downstairs to walk on the treadmill to put in my daily 2 miles. (Sidenote: I was NOT very motivated or excited about starting a workout that late and I was hungry because I hadn't eaten much in anticipation of the workout.) The DH was also downstairs doing some ironing of his work clothes for the week. I won't give you the details of our argument, but in hindsight I can see the insanity of someone starting a fight with a man who is IRONING HIS OWN CLOTHES!!! I mean, c'mon people, I probably should have been kissing his feet or something. I'm just so used to him doing his own ironing that I wasn't fully appreciating that fact in the moment if you know what I mean. Anyway, I hopped up on the treadmill and started my workout and in the process proceeded to get steamed about something he said and there you go. I am not at all proud of it, and I've apologized to him three times already. I first apologized in person after my workout. Then I apologized through email today, and again in person tonight while our boys were having their swimming lesson. I am writing this post to tell you about the last apology, because his response to it was quite meaningful to me.

Picture the two of us sitting on the concrete pool deck leaning back against the wall. Our youngest son is on my lap. Our oldest son is having his lesson in the pool. And I say to the DH, "Hey, I'm sorry for all the PB stuff last night." (The funny sidestory to the "PB" thing is that one of our cats is nicknamed PB, short for Prince Bob, a story unto itself. My first verbal apology last night after I came upstairs was, "Sorry for all the PB stuff downstairs." He didn't understand what I meant, and I knew he wouldn't. Still.........I gave him a better apology and then today in the email apology I said something like, "Sorry for turning into PB (AKA PsychoB _ _ _ _) last night." I think you can fill in the blanks.) So anyway, his response to that was, "I don't even know why you bring stuff like that up again. Once it's over, it's over." And he truly means it. He just forgives that easily. And that's where the title of this post comes from. If not for God's mercy in giving me such a wonderful husband that I often feel I don't deserve AND the DH's mercy in forgiving me so quickly, this girl would be in a heap of trouble. So tonight, I am thankful for the blessing of a great mate and the mercy of a loving God.

PS: In case you are wondering, I'm going to forward a link to this post to the DH so he knows how I feel. He doesn't currently have a subscription to either of my blogs because I DELETED his email subscriptions a few weeks ago in another PB moment. Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.......I feel so much better already. True blog catharsis.

A Blessed Moment

I had a special moment within the last hour that I would like to share with you now (even though I have MANY other things I should be doing!). I wanted to write it down before I forget it because it was very special.

After the morning preschool session, my youngest son and I went out for lunch at McDonald's. This is a special treat since we don't do this very often. As we were eating I noticed a song that was playing in the restaurant. Usually I kind of tune out background music, but this one caught my attention. I am not sure the title or artist, but it was sung by a female and the lyrics went something like, "In my daughter's eyes, I am a hero......." Anyway, it was kind of making me feel emotional, not in a good way, because it made me think about how I am still kind of a hero to my youngest son who is three, but I am pretty sure my hero status has already plummeted in the eyes of my older son since he has a.) lived with me longer and b.) seen a lot more of my not-so-heroic moments than his little brother has. I have often thought about how bittersweetly sad it is that the longer we know someone, the more they disappoint us and the more we, in turn, disappoint them. I guess it is part of our bumbling human existence that we tend to have high expectations of others and that we are inevitably disappointed when these expectations aren't met. Even sadder is the realization that we have very likely been a source of disappointment to those who know and love us best.

Before you start typing me a nice, comforting comment reassuring me and stroking my self-esteem (and don't think for a second that I don't appreciate all the thoughtful comments people leave), I want to be clear with you that I am not wallowing in self-pity here, nor am I beating myself up, even if it sounds like that. I am just trying to be very, very honest in this blog about the things I think and feel, even though that sometimes makes me seem needy and vulnerable. So..........I want you to know that I am fine; I don't think I'm a horrible person. I just tend to reflect on myself and to be uncompromisingly honest about what I see. I think it is our responsibility as humans, and even more so, as Christians, to reflect on how we are presenting ourselves to the world and how we are going about our interactions with our fellow human beings. We are supposed to live our lives the way Christ did as much as is humanly possible. I don't take that charge lightly, and I have no problem admitting when I don't measure up. I think it's healthy.........it pushes me to try harder. Anyway, I'm digressing.............I just wanted to explain all that before I tell you the really cool thing that happened while I was thinking all of the above. So.............

...........there I sat in my self-reflective fog, listening to the song. Across the table from me, with sunlight on his sweet face, my youngest son tilted his head to the side and said, "Hey, Mommy. This is happy music." Mind you, I hadn't been talking out loud AT ALL about the music. I smiled at him and said, "Yes, honey. It is happy music." He smiled back and said, "This music makes me happy. Happy is when you are happy about your mom and your dad and your brother." It was really so sweet and innocent and precious and so many other adjectives that I could keep going. And it was just what I needed to hear at that moment. Thank you, God, for giving me that moment with my son. YOU are MY hero, and it looks like I may just hold onto my Mommy hero status for a while longer.

January reflections

With only a few hours of January left, I thought I would write a little about my thoughts on the past month. I think I mostly feel that the month was less "balanced" than I would have liked. I started the new year all excited to do lots of enriching and fun projects with the boys at home, but now that the month is over, the truth is that we did not get many of those planned projects completed. I am so torn between home and work. I don't think many people realize how much time and energy goes into my job. I spend parts of every weekend at work, sometimes both weekend days. Obviously this takes time away from my family. While I love my job, the amount of time it takes outside of "work" hours is hard. I don't know the answer to this dilemma. Of course I wish that I could afford to stay at home and devote all my time and energy to my family and children. However, at this point in time that is not possible. So.........in February, I am going to try to focus hard on the many blessings I have and spend less time worrying about what I don't have. Because I am truly blessed in so many ways. I am going to sign off now. I am tired, not feeling well, and probably not in the most positive frame of mind to be writing this. Please know how much I enjoy writing this and my other blog and how much I appreciate you taking time to read it! Here's wishing us all a blessed February!!

Martin's Big Words lead to LOTS of words

Today one of the students in my Montessori preschool classroom brought the book Martin's Big Words for me to read to the class. I had planned on reading a book about Martin Luther King, Jr. to the class, but didn't have this one. I didn't have time to preview it first either. I was pleased to find out that it is a really great book with beautiful illustrations. There is one page in it that briefly states that Martin was shot and died. Not surprisingly, this was a major point of interest for my students. My own little boy, who is in my class, was very taken with the story. In fact, I rushed to the computer as soon as I put him to bed so I could share with you some of what he was talking to me about at bedtime tonight.

To give you a little background, after I read the book in class my son kept saying that he wanted to talk to Martin (he calls him "that man in Kate's book"). He also kept talking about how one person shot Martin and he died and went to heaven with God. Tonight at bedtime he brought it up again on his own. I am going to try to paraphrase what he said because it is so precious. I will refer to him as LO (little one).

LO: Mommy, that man got shot by a person. He is in heaven with God. Maybe we can get some men tomorrow to build him back up again and make him live so I can talk to him.

ME: Well, he is kind of alive with God in heaven. And tonight when we say our prayer we could tell God thank you for putting Martin Luther King, Jr. on our Earth to say such good big words and do so many great things for people.

LO: Yes, but I want to talk to him. Tomorrow you can come to God's heaven with me to build him up.

ME: (trying to change the subject) Hey! Guess what tomorrow is? Tomorrow is when Barack Obama is going to become our president. (LO loves seeing "Brock Obama" on TV and makes us run and look each time he sees him.)

LO: Maybe tomorrow we can take Barack Obama in our van up to God's heaven door and he can meet that man so I can talk to him.

ME: Well, see, Barack Obama is here on Earth and Martin Luther King, Jr. is in heaven now. Maybe someday Barack Obama can meet MLK, Jr. in heaven.

LO: Mommy, maybe we can get some maps. Hey, Mommy, we can get some small maps so we know how to get to heaven.

ME: You know, it's getting kind of late. You have school tomorrow and swim lessons. You need to get some rest now and go to sleep. We can talk more about Martin Luther King, Jr. tomorrow. We can even read some more books about him that Mommy has at school.

LO: Tomorrow when I wake up I'm going to talk to you about that many berry berry (very very) much.

At one point I asked him, out of sheer curiosity, what he would say to Martin if he COULD talk to him. He said, "I would say thank you to him for talking to all the people."

I wish I could have tape-recorded his little voice speaking so seriously to me about such a serious topic. It has impacted him in a big way, more than I would have imagined it would. It will be interesting to see what he says tomorrow about "that man". Knowing my son, he won't forget about it........and come to think of it, I wouldn't want him to!

Word of the Year

I first learned about Word of the Year (WOTY) a year or so ago from Stacy Julian's blog. I liked the idea, but it was part way through 2008 when I read about it and I kind of forgot about it. Then I read about it again on Handmade Homeschool early this year. As soon as I read that post, I had "my" word in mind. It came to me instantly. However, I was a little hesitant to post about it. To be honest, I thought my word was kind of cliche, a little unoriginal, and perhaps even too mundane. So even though I knew I wanted it to be my WOTY, I didn't write about it here. Then I got back to school and work and forgot about it for a few weeks........until today. I was sitting in church this morning listening to the sermon and realized that it was totally about MY WORD. I took this as a sign and decided to go ahead and write this post announcing my WOTY. Before I reveal it, however, I want to share the Scripture passage from church today. I really liked it. Here it is from Romans 13:8-10:

"Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," " Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law."

In case you haven't guessed by now, my WOTY is.............LOVE. I am completely sure that this is a great word for me for 2009. In addition to today's sermon, earlier this week I was watching Oprah and she had a guest named Elizabeth Lesser who has written about how difficult times can make you stronger spiritually. The comment that most struck me from this show was when Elizabeth asked people to think about how we approach others. Do we do so with judgment and criticism or do we stand before them with love and acceptance? I know how easy it is to fall into the first type of mind-set, but I appreciated the reminder to follow the latter. I think one of the things I have found most ironic in life is how easy it is to be your "best self' around people you don't know well, and how hard it is to always be your "best self" around those you love the most.
Part of that is probably human nature and results from our comfort level around those we know and love the most. And I realize that God wants us to treat EVERYONE, not just our friends and family, with the utmost of compassion and love. Still..........I sometimes find it hardest to be my best loving self at home. I find myself being impatient and grouchy far more than I want to be. So............I am happy to have settled on my word, LOVE. I think having that as my focus this year will cause me to be more vigilant and reflective about my thoughts and actions. And hopefully, I can honestly say at the year's end, that I have been more LOVING this year. I will have more to write about this in future posts. I am even thinking about making some kind of artwork which will represent my word. If and when that happens, you can expect to see and read about it here. Until then...........take care and have a great week!

Mercy

I am turning to Webster's again for a definition. Mercy is defined as: compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender (i.e. as God shows mercy to a sinner). That definition best fit what I wanted to write about today. However, it led me to look up the definition of forbearance. That is defined as: 1. a refraining from the enforcement of something that is due 2. the act of forbearing: PATIENCE 3. the quality of being forbearing: LENIENCY.

Now I am going to explain why I'm writing this post. Last night our family was dealing with some unpleasant child behaviors (as I'm sure many families may have been, if not last night, sometime within the past week). I will not go into details or tell which child was the offender in this case. However, I will fully admit that I was not feeling MERCIFUL or FORBEARING last night when dealing with the behaviors, nor was I feeling either of those things even this morning as I woke up and thought about it all again. Actually, I was still hanging onto my anger. I know I should have let it go by the morning, but I am sinful and human, and I hadn't. At some point within the first hour or so after I had awoken in a bad mood, it hit me hard that my feelings of disappointment and anger may, in fact, be very similar to what God feels when we, his human children, fail to live up to his teachings and expectations. I would fall into that category pretty much on any given day at any hour on the clock (well, maybe not when I'm asleep!). And I was humbled, again, by HIS MERCY and love. And I was reminded that God provides the ultimate parenting example for all of us struggling to raise our children to be kind, respectful, compassionate people. We must first remember that we ourselves on a DAILY BASIS are the recipients of His love and mercy even though we probably don't deserve it. And we must remember, in turn, to show that compassion, love and mercy to those around us, even when we feel that they don't deserve it. Today I am thanking God for His mercy, and asking for His help in becoming a more merciful and compassionate parent, especially in the thick of it.

Nuff said.

Wait, no, not enough. I want to say one more thing (DH claims I always have to say one more thing and I guess that's true. However, he may appreciate THIS last thing.) I've written before about what a great guy my husband is. And I want you all to know that HE is naturally much more merciful and forbearing than I am. Sometimes this causes "clashes" between us as we try to process how to best handle our children's behavior. However, I am very grateful for these special qualities in him. And I know our boys will benefit greatly from being raised by such a loving and compassionate father.

Wistful

Webster's defines the word "wistful" as follows: 1. full of unfulfilled longing or desire; YEARNING 2. musingly sad: PENSIVE. The first definition pretty accurately describes something I felt this evening. I was downstairs walking on the treadmill when my littlest boy came downstairs to talk to me. While I was very mildly irritated by the disruption to my workout, I was still glad to see him. He was being very sweet and was concerned that our cat was too close to the treadmill. He chattered to me for a few minutes before heading back upstairs where Daddy and big brother were. As he paused by the door before going up the steps, it struck me how very little he still is. His head only comes up to about the height of the doorknob. And then it immediately hit me how quickly time is passing. I briefly tried (unsuccessfully) to imagine him as a teenager in the exact same spot, towering above the doorknob where only the top of him reaches today. The adjective that popped into my head at that moment was wistful. I know that when he is a big (teenage) boy, I will have many moments of wistfulness, thinking about how small and needy he used to be. Perhaps there will come a time where he won't have a pressing desire to talk to me in the middle of my workout, but I would gladly take the disruptions if only I could keep him small a little longer.

Fleeting.......

..........are those precious little moments where all is good with the world, your children are home, safe, and snuggled up next to you. I have been blessed to have many of those moments over my break from work, and I'm so grateful. I became really conscious of it this afternoon. My little boy woke up from his nap and crawled into my lap to cuddle. He remained there for a LONG time, much longer than usual. As I bent over to kiss his sleepy little head, I was reminded of his babyhood and that of his older brother's. I remembered suddenly and with clarity how it felt to have an infant snuggled against my chest in full-out slumber. The weight of their little bodies completely relaxed and pressed tightly into mine. And I realized, sadly, how fleeting these little moments really are. When they were babies and snuggled against me as I've described, I often thought about how quickly those days would pass, and they did pass quickly. I am trying very hard to not get caught up in worrying about how fast these years fly by, but instead to treasure every moment like those I had this afternoon. They are truly among God's greatest blessings in my life.

Could God be the ultimate Magic Eraser?

Photo courtesy of Mr.Clean.com

If this post makes no sense, forgive me. I have been in a cleaning FRENZY today. We are having company tomorrow (my mother-in-law) and are VERY excited for her to visit. On Thursday, we will have Christmas dinner for 14 in our home. I know this is fewer than many of you host over the holidays, but it's a full 10 people more than what WE'RE used to. I have written before about my dislike for cleaning and my HATE for clutter. I do, however, like to have a neat and clean house when people are visiting us. So..........I emailed DH today at work and asked him to pick up some Magic Erasers on the way home. I wanted to tackle the smudges in the stairwell (as well as many, many other cleaning tasks, lest you think those were the biggest of my cleaning woes).

When he got home, I immediately asked for the package, ripped it open and got to work. I ended up totally using up a whole Magic Eraser just on our stairwell. There were only flimsy little pieces left when I was done. I am also going to admit that I haven't been in a very good mood today. Cleaning and clutter make me grumpy. I know I need an attitude adjustment about it; however, that hasn't happened yet (unfortunately). So even though I was determined to Magic Erase the stairwell, I was less than happy about doing it. And then as I was about halfway up the stairs and thus 3/4 of the way finished, it hit me.......HARD! God's mercy and love are just like the Magic Eraser. God is able to swoop in and clean up the subtle, yet insidious mess that is our spiritual selves and make it clean again. I say subtle mess because I fully realize that outwardly people don't always show their hidden "dirt". That is the dirt that instead rears its ugly head around the people who know us best....our families and closest friends. (In my case, my dirt is that I sometimes have less patience than I should, I snap at the people I love instead of speaking gently, and the list could truly go on and on, but I'll spare you. I usually hide these ugly behaviors when I am in public, however.) Similarly, I am pretty sure that anyone walking up my stairwell prior to the Magic Erasing may not have seen all the little dings and drips and stains. Yet they were there in plain sight. I was also struck by the fact that just as the Magic Eraser leaves behind little bits of itself in the cleaning process (thus the disintegration), so does God leave bits of Himself behind when he cleans us up. All this revelation didn't necessarily make me enjoy the cleaning more, but it humbled me tremendously. I am certainly in need of some good Magic Eraser power today as well as any other day on the calendar. So my wish for today is that I learn to appreciate the cleaning powers of God and that I try to create less of a mess for Him to clean up!!

Frigidly cold weather makes me grumpy!

I am so serious about that title. I HATE to be cold. And we are in the middle of a big chill here in the Midwest. I am writing this curled up under a big quilt. I just got home about an hour ago from my oldest son's Montessori Elementary Winter Program. It was really cool. The Elementary 1 class (1st-3rd graders) presented "A Ride Through the Eras." Each child had a small speaking part and took on the role of a different part of one of the eras of time. My son was a jawless fish from the Paleozoic Era. He did a great job. We were so proud of him. The Elementary 2 class (4th and 5th graders) gave an completely amazing program about the parts of a human body cell.

When we returned to our van following the program, it was so cold that all I could think about was how miserable I felt. My hands were so cold they hurt, even inside my very warm mittens. I was just plain cold and I didn't like it one bit. Of course our van warmed up on the drive home (we have about a 40 minute commute one-way to his school), and as I warmed up physically, I tried to warm up mentally to being cold. Does that make sense? What I mean is I tried to force myself to think about the "good" part of being so cold.

It wasn't until I was home and had put both boys to bed that I started to understand a potential benefit of being uncomfortably cold, at least in a figurative sense. I asked myself why I hate being cold so much. I instantly realized it is the discomfort of it that I dislike. It just feels so much better to be cozy and warm. And as cliche as it may sound, I realized that without the contrast of cozy versus cold, there would be no appreciation for the comfort of coziness. And then it dawned on me that in life our best learning opportunities occur not when things are cozy and comfortable, but when we are forced into the discomfort that lies outside our comfort zone. As a Christian, I think that God's wish is for us to draw closer to him in times of discomfort. Just as a cold and weary traveler yearns for and seeks the light and warmth of a fire, so we must yearn for and seek the light of God in our lives. The next time I feel irritably cold, I am going to try to remember to turn towards the light and place my inner focus on God. In the meantime, I'm keeping the quilt pulled up!!

Clutter-induced stress

I am staying home from church today with my little guy who has a bad cold. While he is playing and resting, I am tackling some long overdue de-cluttering. I HATE HATE HATE clutter. However, it builds up so quickly in our house that I can't seem to stay on top of it. I try to remind myself that it could be worse. For example, my boys' babysitter has TONS of toys in her finished basement. She has so many that you can't even see the floor. I'm serious. Just being down there makes me a little twitchy. Lest you think I live in a pristine, completely organized environment, here is what my little boy said to me just a few minutes ago when he walked into his big brother's room AFTER the decluttering: "HEY! What happened to all the stuff?" I said, "Do you mean what happened to the mess?" He said, "Yes, where are all the toys?" Yeah. Obviously the kid is not used to seeing a tidy home. My bad.

Last night I was able to relax a little and read an article in the newest issue of Oprah magazine. (My mother-in-law buys me a subscription to it. Thanks, Donna!) It was about voluntary simplicity. Basically, this is the idea that many people are choosing a simpler lifestyle where they are less tied to material possessions and accumulating wealth. The philosophy is more complicated than that, of course, but the concept really struck a chord with me. I have so often said (when I'm really stressed out) that I wish I could pack up the family and move to a cabin in the woods. We are actually blessed to live on a 2-acre lot in the country where we can see the stars every night and we have room to breathe. And I am very grateful for that. Still, I find myself stressed on a daily basis because so much of my time seems to be spent on taking care of or thinking about our stuff. This morning, I spent probably a good 40 minutes just putting away and picking up stuff in my oldest son's room. And as I was looking at all of it, I realized that he doesn't even play with at least half of it. All kinds of ideas ran through my mind..........could we make an effort to considerably reduce what we have and only keep what is necessary? The Oprah article cited some families who have intentionally moved into smaller homes to force themselves to purge uneeded possessions. I once read about a person who had only one bowl, one plate, one spoon and one cup. I think it was a fictional story, but I have never forgotten it. Wouldn't it be so much easier and even freeing to have only a few things to take care of? Think of how much more time could be spent connecting with your family. My dream would be to live in a little cozy cabin with wall-to-wall bookshelves, little decoration other than things found in nature, and only a few needed possessions. Doesn't that sound restful?

I am going to talk to the DH about this and see if we can come up with a plan to reduce what we have. It's going to be a tough sell with him because he likes to hang onto stuff. And I'm afraid he will think we shouldn't get rid of too much of the boys' stuff because they might get upset, etc. So we'll see where this all goes. If nothing else, maybe I can just gradually start sneaking things out of the house that I'm pretty sure no one will notice. My "stuff" will not be untouched. I have a lot of books and craft stuff that can probably be purged. I like the idea of giving everyone a few of those big Rubbermaid bins and telling them they can keep what will fit into those. I think this would be hard with the boys, though. If you are reading this I would love to hear from you about any great ideas you may have for cutting back on STUFF, especially all the kids' toys. For now, I have to go. More clutter to bust in the basement..............

Joyful Noises

Before I continue, I want you all to know...........the sink is unclogged! YAYY! Also, I should really be downstairs making up little baggies of peppermint playdough (30 to be exact) and tying a cookie cutter to each bag with curling ribbon. I am giving each of my 59 preschoolers a bag of playdough tomorrow night at our Christmas program. I did 29 bags Tuesday night and cooked 3 more batches of playdough tonight before the boys went to bed. Yep, that's what I SHOULD be doing. And instead, here I am, pounding away at the keyboard. I'm telling you right now, God is truly working on me in writing this blog, because I seem to be finding lots of inspired things to write about.

Tomorrow night at this time, I will have finished guiding 59 3-5 year olds through their Christmas program. I have never been in charge of a Christmas program before. So.........I am a teeny tiny bit nervous about it. At the same time, I'm very excited about it. There is something so very touching and joyful about listening to young children sing. Luckily, I teach in a Christian-based program so we have a very God-oriented program planned. There is one song in particular that I think will have a very powerful impact. I am pumped!!

I wanted to write a little bit tonight about something that happened here at my house a week or so ago that got me thinking. I'm a little foggy on the exact details. (Hello! I would hardly be able to remember what I ate for breakfast if I didn't eat the exact same thing every day.........2 toaster waffles, a banana and orange juice in case you're interested!!) What I do remember is that I was standing at the kitchen counter either cooking something or getting ready to cook. My 3yo son had pushed a chair up to the counter and was standing next to me. He had a pencil or something like that in his hand and he started tapping the empty stainless steel coffee pot with it, essentially creating his own drum. ( He LOVES to drum on things.) I was, admittedly, tired by that point in the day and a little stressed. And I asked him to please stop banging on the coffee pot. I think I said it in kind of a frustrated way, not really mean or angry, just kind of exasperated. Anyway, he was unoffended by my request and (I think) stopped his drumming. But he did say to me, "But Mommy! It's music!" And I'm telling you, that little innocent comment stopped me cold in my tracks. I quickly replied, "Yes, it is music." And felt like a complete lunk-head for asking him not to do it. If I remember correctly, he went on with playing and (hopefully) was not emotionally scarred by the experience. But it really made me think. When do the joyful noises stop being joyful and start to just be annoying? What I mean is..........why is it that we, as adults, can't hear the music anymore? I am pretty sure that we all went through a childhood fascination with "making noise", similar to what my little one enjoys right now. So when did it stop being musical and start to grate on our nerves? I found these questions to be very sad, yet eye-opening to ponder. So my wish and prayer for tonight is that my ears remain open to the music for as long as they are able to hear. Let the joyful noises begin!!

Blessedly Unclogged

Truthfully, it is hard to see the wonder in a clogged sink. And in case you're wondering, yes, my kitchen sink is clogged. And I have no dishwasher. And a whole bottle of Drano didn't work to unclog it. So...........I have a counterful of dirty dishes and a clogged sink and instead of washing those dishes I am sitting here blogging. Avoidance? Yes, indeed. But here's why...........

Since starting this new blog I've been praying for God to give me guidance in the words I write here, guidance to see things more clearly, to see things as He would have me see them. And tonight when I arrived home at a little past 10:00 pm from my MOPS Christmas party, the first thing my eyes landed on was a counterful of dirty dishes. Not exactly a sight to pick up your spirits after a full and busy day. While I was away relaxing with other moms at my party, my husband had moved our dirty dishes to the basement countertop (right by the door where we enter our house) so they could be washed downstairs. As he explained, he was not able to wash the dishes yet since he was watching the boys. OK.......... My little one was still awake, so I put him to bed and was planning to get up and go downstairs to tackle the unwanted, but necessary task of washing the dishes. Instead, I lingered a little longer in my little one's bed. I relished those few moments of peaceful relaxation in a darkened room, cuddled under a cozy quilt. And my mind wandered, thinking about the sink dilemma. Amazingly, I was able to see the situation in a completely different light. And that's why when I got up, I headed to the computer instead of reaching for the dishsoap.

I thought about the literal clog we are dealing with. How the water eventually gets through the clog if you wait long enough, yet it doesn't drain fast enough for the sink to fully function. And then I thought about the figurative clog that gets into my heart sometimes, making it difficult and laborious for God's love and intentions for me to fully sink in. I reflected on the infinite patience our loving God has, waiting for His Word to penetrate so we can accomplish His will for us here on Earth. And I thought about all the THINGS in my life that can cause me to get too clogged up to let God in. Things like deadlines and to-do lists, scurrying from here to there, taking on too much, and just generally pushing God aside or, worse, trampling right over Him in my frenzy to "get it all done." How much more smoothly would my life become if I work to make my heart "unclogged", allowing God's love to run freely and easily through me?

If you are reading this and feeling clogged, I invite you to consider what it is that is clogging your heart. For some, the list may be similar to the one I listed above. For others, your figurative "clog" may result from your struggles with faith in general, your lack of belief or trust in a loving God, or any number of other things. Regardless of our personal beliefs about God and faith, I think we can all benefit from trying to become less "clogged" and more open to what life has to offer. Please join me in my attempts to unclog by posting a comment with your thoughts. I would love to hear from you.

Gotta go................dirty dishes to wash!!!!!!! Maybe by the time I write my next post my sink and my heart will be blessedly unclogged.

Edited at 12:06 AM on Dec. 11th, 2008: Here's a very cool thing. After writing this post I headed downstairs to wash the dishes, just like I said I would. And guess what? DH (dear hubby to those of you new to blog lingo) stood down there and helped me, even though it was way, way, way past his bedtime!! (I'm the night-owl of the house. When else would I do all this stuff?) What a great guy. Thanks, honey, if you're reading this. Love you!!

I can't help but wonder.........

..........if I'm crazy for starting this blog. I already have another blog which documents my experiences as a Montessori preschool teacher. On that blog I have also included many of the things I do with my children at home. I have found through writing my other blog that I really enjoy both the writing and the feedback from readers. I have drawn such inspiration from reading the blogs of other moms and teachers around the world who are doing their best to enrich the lives of those around them. I have never been good at keeping a journal, but for some reason having an "audience" has made me a very consistent blog writer. I have posted every day with few exceptions since starting my blogging experiences in May 2008. My intention for this blog is to write more about my thoughts and reflections on motherhood as well as documenting the experiences I create for my children in their early childhood years. Additionally, I hope to use this as a place where I can strive to become a better Christian. Creating a blog with that as a main purpose will require me to think harder about my daily actions and words. I constantly disappoint myself by not living up to being the person I know God intended me to be. Yet I am humbled on a daily basis with the knowledge that my Creator loves me anyway. This will not be a place where I beat myself up for the things I don't do or the things I do that I shouldn't have. That type of thinking should remain private. Instead, I hope that my focus here will be on becoming a better wife, mother and member of the human family. All that takes practice, after all! Well..........I'm going to go ahead and post this, my first post on my virgin blog. It is very late, nearly tomorrow, and I don't know how much sense this makes. But at least it's a start...........